a final post.

Well friends, this is it. The final post.
*pause for dramatic effect*
I don't imagine anyone's world will be dramtically affected, or affected at all really, but I felt it important to at least announce it rather than just disappear all together.

Actually, I will not be disappearing at all, just changing venues.
As some may know, I have another space on this unending web of networking intelligence. You can find it over at 4years4months as I document our life as crazy home educators, home renovators and everything in between. You can be sure there will be a post from time to time about some mildly profoud truth that hits me between the eyes, but it will be a mixture of everything from theology to pencil sharpeners (and other mundane school information I may have the fancy to share).

Thank you for caring. Thank you for reading. Thank you for praying for me.
Thank you for the notes of encouragement.
May His goodness, like a fetter, continue to bind your wandering heart to Him.

Blessed Christmas to you and yours,
Tiffany

fear.

The only sound was the frozen earth beneath my feet and the sound of my breath leaving my body. The air was cold against my face and felt like life in my nostrils. My lungs inhaling deeply as though to try to breathe it all in at once. The lazy haze of smoke hung lifelessly in the still air as I moved through it. The stars fill the black sky hanging above me while the moon shines its borrowed light upon the quiet earth below. The air is still. silent. vibrant.
I turn the corner and put the light of the moon at my back casting shadows all around me. As my eyes strain to see the familiar landscape ahead, a slow, silent fear begins to grip me. The landscape is no longer familiar as shapes take on dark facades and I see nothing but shadows.
"Is that a figure of a person coming toward me?" I wonder silently entering a mild state of panic. The shadows dance around me, taunting me as I try to decipher what is real and what is not; what is moving and what isn't.
In that moment, I realize that I am completely helpless. 
If an animal were to come at me or a person with sinister intent, I would be utterly and completely defenseless. As my mind waged war with the spirit of fear threatening my soul, the joy that I had as I walked just moments ago vanished and left nothing but a heavy weight of fear of the unknown.

This is my road.
I have met with God countless times on my road. I know this road. The gravel is familiar beneath my feet and the fragrance of the air brings life to my spirit.
But now that I walk in darkness, physically alone and trying to discern shadow from reality, the road feels unfamiliar and threatening.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

Psalm 139: 7-12

During my time in Honduras, I committed this entire Psalm to memory and it has breathed life into my soul thousands of times. As the landscape of life changes it is often accompanied by a silent and overwhelming spirit of fear that screams into my soul and threatens to invade every recess of my spirit. 

The road of life stretches out before me and I strain to see what is ahead and I try to discern what is real and what is not, but I must stand and defy the shadows. I must not turn tail and run like I want to. 

Life can be so familiar, so full of cold, crisp, life giving air one moment and in the next, it feels as though everything that was once secure is gone and the familiar has been overtaken by shadows. 

I will take of hold of truth. 

I will allow Truth to take hold of me. 

I will walk in freedom and courage. 

even in the midst of shadows. 

knowing that what is darkness to me, 

is light to Him. 

What is unknown to me, 

is known to Him. 

fear will no longer have a hold on me. 

a man and his biographer: a note to wives

I have seen too many marriages crumble around me to stay quiet on the matter.
Another high profile marriage bites the dust--this time it is the husband with blood on his hands and shame on his face.

You can hardly flip on the news without hearing about ex-CIA Director David Petraeus cheating on his wife of more than two decades with a young aspiring PhD student so interested in his life she wrote a book about it. Is it a wonder that a man became dangerously attracted to a woman so interested in him and his endeavors that the pinnacle of her career was documenting his life and achievements?

While I admit to know little to nothing about the situation and while I hold Mr. Petraeus accountable for his poor choices, I must write a note to my fellow wives. I write this in love and I write this as a woman often oblivious to the kind of wife I ought to be at times. As I wrote in an earlier post, I am slowly learning to understand this complex and mind blowing thing we call marriage. 

As I stated in a girl and her bodyguard: a letter to husbands, a woman needs to know she will be protected. A woman needs to know that her husband is jealous for the affections of her heart and longs to protect them as his own. A woman needs to know that he will fight for her and stand in the gap for her and their marriage. Protection is vital.

For a man however, I have learned that my admiration and public support and approval of him speaks to his heart and soul in a big way. He needs me to support him vocally, affirm him in front of his peers and respect him both publically and privately. He needs me to be interested in his endeavors, supportive in his work and encouraging in his ministry. He needs me to ask him about his day and listen with eager ears without snotty comments or snide remarks. He needs me to walk shoulder to shoulder with him as he provides, strives and learns. It is to my great blessing when I do this and it only hurts me in the long run to deprive him of this. 

For my husband to know that I admire him is huge. He needs to know that I am thankful for his hard work and contribution to our family whatever it may look like. Expressing my gratitude is worth more than I can wrap my mind around sometimes. My husband needs to know that I will stand by him as he tries, support him if he fails and cheer him on through it all.  

It is important for my husband to know I am attracted to him and to pursue him. It is my job and mine alone to be the woman who fills his head with images and memories that he can savor in the moments of physical separation or temptation. It is my job as a wife to meet his needs sexually and to enjoy those times of intamacy. If I don't, you can bet your bottom dollar that another woman will be willing to do so. Nearly six years ago, we endured nearly six months of abstinence due to a medical condition. Those were trying months for both of us, so I understand the desire paired with inability. It was during this time that we spent a lot of time in prayer together regarding this part of our relationship and sought other ways to meet that need so as not to make us vulnerable to temptation. 
(Sorry Dad, this was probably way too much information for you! ;) 

I understand how challenging it is to be the woman that I just wrote about. 

As my husband always tells me--it's not about being perfect, it's about being willing.
It is about being willing to at least ride along in the golf cart occasionally or chat as he changes the oil in the car. In the midst of careers, babies and the dailyness of life I understand how easily marriages can drift apart. As a wife committed to my marriage I will commit to a spirit of willingness. I will commit to be a woman that is interested; a woman that respects my husband both publically and privately. I will be his greatest cheerleader and his biggest support. I will forsake all others and will cling only to him while honoring God as the creator of marriage and all that it is intended to be. 

And at the end of the day, when I pass or when I fail, 

I will snuggle in close and say with all I have within me, 

"I love you and my heart is yours." 

a girl and her body guard: a note to husbands

It's all over pop culture news--the latest high profile scandal--the latest dish on who slept with who and they were still married to who?! news story.
The headlines are everywhere:

Heidi Klum Dumps Husband Seal for Bodyguard 

or

Klum Fornicates with Hired Help

Ah yes, just another day in Hollywood history. 

Beautiful woman married to successful man falls in love with her bodyguard. 

Unbelievable? I think not. Shocking? Hardly. 

Now I am no marriage therapist but does it really surprise anyone to hear that a woman is attracted to the point of adultery to a man that protects her? 

Now hold your ponies for a minute before you start thinking that I am ok with this or think that this is 'normal' or fine. I have seen adultery up close and way too stinking personanlly to brush it off as no big deal or 'something natural'. But one thing I will say, women want to be need to be protected and if that protection is not coming from her husband, you can bet your pretty penny that there is a man out there willing to do the job. 

This is not to say that women are these delicate little creatures that are not able to survive without a strong man to protect them and care for them. This is not to say that Heidi was innocent in the matter or that adultery is justified when there is a deficit in the marriage. I speak as a woman that is slowly growing to understand this complex and mind blowing relationship called marriage.

Through the last blissful decade of my life, I have had the great joy of living life hand in hand with my very best friend. It has been my agony at moments and my sheer delight in many others to be the one to meet his needs and stand by him as an unwavering support. Together we are a united front. Without that unity, we are destined to fail. This is not to say that we never disagree or fail to see things eye to eye--it is saying that we have learned that in spite of our disagreements we are still on the same team and if we don't fight for our marriage, no one will. 

For a woman, it is critical to know that he will defend her and protect her. This does not mean that she can treat others poorly while he stands idly by agreeing with her actions. Just the opposite actually. A man that protects is a man that loves her enough to protect her from herself...often her greatest enemy. 

A man that protects her is a man that will fight for her when she is too weak, too weary or too broken to find the will to fight for herself. A man that protects her is a man that sees her beauty and sees her affections as something to be fought for...guarded...cherished, even if it is costly to him to do so. A man that protects her is a man that prays the armor of God over her as each day begins knowing that the power of God is greater than anything on earth. A man that protects is a man that steps in and dares to speak truth when she is over committing or afraid of the opinions of others. A man that protects is a man that sees the need to take her out of her role as mom and housewife to give her the space to simply be a friend and companion. 

From the time she was twirling in tutu's and dreaming of brave knights on white horses, she has imagined romance and has seen it in the eyes of her protector. 

A girl and her body guard. 

Romance and protection. 

Some things never change. 

What if?

The kids dragged their feet as they brushed their teeth and struggled to follow directions with joyful and willing hearts. The grumbling was not discreet and their lack of desire for family Bible time was evident. As we gathered around, snuggled warmly beneath our blankets, some snuggled next to Dad as we opened to Paul's letter to the Colossians. The furnace worked quietly to heat the air around us and the dishwasher purred as it cleaned the dishes that we used just hours before around the family dinner table, full of warm food and delicious dessert. We gave little thought to the Bibles open in our laps or the padded floor or sofas we sat on. We did not fear for our saftey as we gathered for prayer and Bible reading. We did not secretly gather earlier this morning as we pulled into a church parking lot full of nice cars. As we sat upon cushioned pews wearing our Sunday best, we lifted our voices freely to the God on High, giving little to no thought of the gift we have to worship openly. When the service was finished, we all exited the building--not taking turns over the course of hours so as not to alert anyone of possible church activity, but rather freely, with Bibles in plain view and the Word fresh in our minds.

As we gathered around the Word of God tonight, we were humbled by Paul's words...

'Continue steadfastly in prayer,

being watchful in it with thanksgiving.

At the same time, pray also for us, that God may

open to us a door for the Word, 

to declare the mystery of Christ, 

on account of which I am in prison--

that I may make it clear, which is how I ought to speak.

I, Paul, write this greeting with my own hand. 

Remember my chains. 

Grace be with you.'

Colossians 4:2-4, 18

Paul was not shaming those not imprisoned for the Gospel. Paul was simply and directly reminding them to pray, to remember and to give thanks. 

I love what Paul's request for prayer is: opportunity to share the Word of God and the ability to share it well in the midst of his imprisonment. 

He was not asking for prayer regarding his release--although this is not wrong. 

He was not asking for prayer regarding his health or safety--although these are also great to pray for. 

While these things may have been on his prayer list, his main 'concern' was that his circumstances would not snuff out the opportunities to share or his desire to share the life giving, liberating Gospel of Peace. 

While in a dungeon of a cell, his spirit longed for others to know what true freedom really was. 

As I think about my own life and the call to public ministry I have, I have to ask myself how different my days would be if I had people praying like this for me. If I prayed like this for me...my husband...my children. How would the landscapes of our lives and workplaces and homes and churches change if our hearts were drawn beyond our circumstances to glorifiying God in the midst of them? How different would this world be if we were faithful to remember those in chains--right now--for the sake of the Gospel? What if we took the time to stop and pray for those meeting in secret, for those hiding their precious Bibles, for those smuggling the sacred Word so that all may know and all may hear? 

What if we too, stepped out in boldness, and dared to share the Truth with someone in need of hope? What if I stopped making excuses for my silence and spoke the Gospel of peace with love and conviction? What about that person with the cubicle next to my husband's going through a divorce? What about the mother down the road struggling to raise her kids alone? What about my husband's co-workers and the Schwans man who stops by once a month? 

What if I started to pray for opportunities to share the life giving freedom of Christ? 

What if I remembered to pray for those in chains? 

What if? 

on apathy and tolerance

Election day is almost here. 

It is a day that I love and I day that I dread. 

While this is not a political blog and my views are not something I feel the need to 'impose' on anyone, God has been stirring this in my own heart and I can ignore the prompting to share no longer. 

A long time ago, a rebellious people once committed to God, not only turned their back on God and His principles, but savored their disobedience without shame. Being a God of justice, He called on His prophet Ezekiel and gave him specific instructions by which to deal with the abominations so shamelessly enjoyed. The gifts that God gave for their blessing were being defecated and profaned. He would tolerate it no longer. 

As the book of Ezekiel unfolds, it is cringe worthy to hear some of the words spoken to Ezekiel on behalf of God's wayward people. Ezekiel 9 stopped me dead in my tracks. I must share it's powerful words with anyone willing to listen. 

'And the Lord said to him (Ezekiel),

"Pass through the city, 

through Jerusalem, 

and put a mark on the foreheads of the men who sigh and groan 

over all the abominations that are committed in it." 

And to the others in he said in my hearing, 

"Pass through the city after him, and strike.

Your eye shall not spare, and you shall show no pity. 

Kill old men outright, 

young men and maidens, 

little children and women, 

but touch no one on whom is the mark. 

And begin at my sanctuary."

Ezekiel 9: 4-6a

I have wrestled with God's appearance of heartless justice here...I mean, old men and children? Really? 

Yes, really. 

It is not that God is a heartless murderer, 

He is jealous for the affections of the hearts of His people, the same way an adoring husband longs to protect the affections of his bride's heart and have her reserve them for him alone. 

He will tolerate no sin. Not even apathy on behalf of old men or children. 

As His people went astray, there were those who did not participate directly in the profanity, but did nothing to stop it. It simply did not affect them. Their hearts were numbed to the sin swirling around them. 

They did not groan. They did not weep. They did not speak out. 

They did nothing. 

Because it appeared as though it didn't affect them. 

Apathy resided where sadness should have been. 

Tolerance was seated where righteous fury should have stood. 

Silence spoke volumes where moaning and sadness should have been heard. 

And God was angry. 

Fast forward thousands of years to a nation once built on the truth of God's Word and a desire to love Him freely. 

One nation under God.

A nation that now freely sacrifices its precious, voiceless unborn on the altar of 'free choice'. 

A nation that no longer holds in high honor the reverent union of man and wife. 

A nation that deeply believes family is nothing more than a relative term to be defined by whomever, however. 

A nation that was once built on God and yet is blatantly turning its back on God. 

A government that is rapidly becoming god to many. 

And God is angry. 

I believe that God is angry with the silence of His people. 

If His people don't fight for righteousness in the public square, who will? 

If God's people tolerate the sin of others for fear of personal offense, then righteousness becomes a lesser priority and ultimately so does eternal destiny. 

While mothers and fathers slaughter the unborn and men fornicate openly with men, we sit idly by and say, 

"It doesn't affect me." 

God says, 

"I will bring their deeds upon their heads." (Ezekiel 9:10) 

God gave us a voice as well as a sphere of influence. 

I may never be on the city council, the school board or take my seat in the senate, 

but I have a voice and God is commanding me to use it for those that can hear me.  

God is calling our hearts to break and our voices to groan on behalf of the heinous things that are celebrated in our nation.  

If they don't, we are just as guilty.  

God looks upon His people and has bestowed upon them an intense responsibility--

fight for righteousness. Defend the defenseless. Take a stand for truth. 

He expects obedience. 

He will tolerate apathy for only so long. 

God gave you a voice. 

Get out there and use it. 

Go vote your values. 

<><tce

what it takes

The days have started to get long and there are moments that I question my ability to get my little boy through this. He needs is daddy. 

Sure, he may need more sleep or he may need more of this or that, but truthfully--the kid needs his dad.

He doesn't articulate it like that of course, but as a mama, you know when your baby is just downright sad. He is definitely sad.  

My husband has been away over seas building a church in the heart of the jungle. When he looked me in the face and said, "Baby, this is what God has for me...what He has for us" I knew this was the right choice. It is not that he is not safe, it is just hard to say good bye. I was the one to go two years ago and prayed over this very spot of jungle bush and asked God to bless this place and erect His church to reach three indigenous tribes with the Gospel. Freedom they so desperately needed.  Light when all they knew was darkness and evil oppression. Hope when they had none. 

Six months later, by no small miracle, the land was purchased and the clearing process began. 

Six months later, a temporary structure was 'complete' and sixty school children moved to their new location. 

Six months later, the building began. Six months after that, my husband responded in obedience, packed his work boots and some Gatorade, boarded a plane and crossed the Atlantic to stand where I stood two years ago. 

That was ten days ago. 

He was supposed to be home today but...

Hurricane Sandy landed on the east coast instead of the man we all miss like crazy. 

So...we continue to wait. 

During this time of separation, my heart has been aching--not for my own temporary loss, but for the not-temporary losses of dear friends who really know the ache of loneliness and for the military men and women that endure months apart for the sake of our freedom. I have wept tears of empathy for a dear, sweet woman living life as a widow. My heart has spent hours in prayer for her, and even more this week as I have a minuscule understanding of the separation she endures every day. 

As I look at my life I see how God is so faithful and yet I am such an Israelite sometimes. 

He parts the Red Sea and drowns the enemy. They barely reach the other side and they are already doubting God's faithfulness. Blessing falls from the sky--literally--and they complain about what they do not have. 

I am so willing to accept blessing from God and yet I respond with clenched fists when hurricanes hit and reunions are delayed. 

Truth is, my faith is nothing if I only I rejoice and give thanks when the sky is blue and the sun is shining. As my heart is sad for my little ones that miss daddy, we have given thanks for the daddy we have, the memories we have, and the reunion we have to look forward to. 

We give thanks that He is faithful even in the storm--literally and figuratively. 

We give thanks because they are times like these that our hearts catch a glimpse of the pain that others live with, and cause our own hearts to pause and pray and send a simple note of encouragement. 

As much as my boy needs his daddy, we need hearts of gratitude and empathy. 

Sometimes, it takes a church in the jungle and a hurricane on the coast to produce that.

I'll take it. 

<><tce

slump

It is strange I know... the idea of Tiffany with little or nothing to say. In many ways, it is a good thing, even an answer to prayer (my own, not my husband's...although he is definitely benefitting from the new and improved Quieter Tiffany) .

I log in and read with great interest what others feel the inspiration to share.
I glance at my own, neglected space on the world wide web and a strange sense of apathy washes over me.
I want to write, but have nothing to share.
I want to inspire, but I am lacking inspiration myself.
I want to connect others to the life changing Word of God and yet, I feel this heavy distance...lack of ... I am not quite sure.

Something is stirring inside of me, in the deepest part of my soul. His still small voice is speaking truth there, but ... I am not sure what.
God is so near and yet so strangely distant.
Friends are such a blessing and yet I find myself longing for isolation.
People are eager to greet me, chat with me, encourage me, ask me... and I just want to turn on my heels and head for the door.
I have words to share and nothing to share. all at the same time.

I miss my fire and yet I am enjoying the dim coolness.
I miss the inspiration and yet the apathy is somewhat satisfying.
There is a heavy weight that my make-up tries to cover and my isolation tries to conceal and I pray my eyes don't betray.
The outward confidence is a carefully constructed costume designed to mask the fear that can torment me if not kept carefully in check.
The desire to appear a certain way so as not to raise any eyebrows, call my character or sanity into question, is so persuasive that I give into it nearly 100% of the time.
But something inside is changing. Something that doesn't care about politics and quotes Romans 13:1 instead. Something that is bitter over words spoken to me that were never mine to hear. Someone that wishes for a moment back in time, to defend and to take captive and to cherish and to enjoy.

But,
at the end of the day, when the sweet sounds of sweet children are replaced with the ticking of the clock and the pecking of the keys, I find the sweet song of David still hums in my soul...

Oh Lord, 

you have searched me and you know me. 

You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar. 

You discern my going out and my lying down; 

you are familiar with all my ways. 

Before a word is on my tongue

you know it completely, O Lord.

You hem me in behind and before

you have laid your hand upon me; 

such knowledge is too wonderful for me, 

too lofty for me to attain. 

Where can I go from your Spirit? 

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens you are there, 

if I make my bed in the depths you are there. 

If I rise on the wings of the dawn and settle on the far side of the sea, 

even there your hand will guide me and your right hand will hold me fast. 

If I say, 

"Surely this darkness will hide me and the light become night around me" 

even the darkness is not dark to you, 

for the night will shine like the day, 

for darkness is as light to you. 

Psalm 139:1-12

Darkness. 

Weight. 

Fear. 

Bitterness. 

Apathy. 

Uncertainty. 

God speaks through them. and my heart is listening. 

Sweet Jesus, 

may your goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to you. 

<><tce 

seeing God

“I will give thanks with my whole heart...”

Psalm 9:1a

In the quiet place, perched on a mountain top, it is easy to see God and experience God and embrace all that God is. It is when I pack up my things and head back into the valley called daily life that things can get muddled and my heart can grow weary. I long to see Him in the dailyness of life, hence the sole purpose of this blog--seeing and embracing and glorifying God in all things and at all times recognizing that He is present in all things at all times. 

Knowing this is not enough. I must recognize this and cherish this. When I do, and only when I do, will God be truly glorified through my life. Only when God is glorified through me will life have purpose and lasting meaning. 

It is easy to divide life into two categories: sacred and secular. 

We have holy days by which we dress in our best and go to a place of worship. 

We have holy acts and by doing them, we walk away with some pious feeling of achievement, feeling as though we can ‘cross it off of our list of things to do today’. 

We pray. 

We attend. 

We read. 

And then, after we do those things, we go on living our daily lives. 

Does this glorify God? 

Is God satisfied being merely a small part of the big picture we call life? 

I think not...absolutely not. 

I firmly believe, as is true in my own life, that God will continue to allow the earthly dailyness of life to wear us down, rob us of fulfillment and joy, until we come to Him, possessing nothing but weariness and anxiety. 

It is not until that place, the place of complete surrender that we will begin to see that within Him, everything has meaning. The disease. The unfair boss. Money. Hunger. Success. Failure. 

The question is not whether or not God is present but whether or not we see Him there. 

David writes that he will give thanks with his whole heart--everything he is, everything he does, will be a cry of gratitude to the Creator that sustains him, empowers him...lives in Him. 

Taking hold of this truth, the nose-wiping, Sesame St. watching mother, can take joy in her work, knowing that God is manifest there and is glorified in her as she loves her children and cleans the bottoms and feeds their bellies. 

Taking hold of this truth, the nine-to-five, blue collared man working for an unfair boss in a world of corruption and politics, can take great joy in knowing that God is honored through his hard work and integrity in the dailyness of life. This empowers him to do his job well, knowing that is not men he is serving, but rather God (Colossians 3:23). For through doing his job well, he unknowingly points others toward God as the evidences of grace shine in bright contrast to the joy-stealing spirit of darkness that permeates corporate America. 

This is a great ideal, but impossible on our own. Christ is very clear in John 15, that unless we walk in close relationship with Him and His Word is always churning away within our souls, we can do nothing...nothing of lasting value anyway. We will continue to be slaves to what is yet to come and miss completely the blessing of what is. 

Apart from the fellowship of Christ, the dailyness of life is nothing more than just that: dailyness. 

But

when I take Christ as His Word, and begin to walk with Him (John 15), my eyes will be opened to see how He is indeed present in every act of life: sex and relationships, work and play, finances and possessions. These will no longer be a burden or a shame or vain self-serving elements, but rather a joy as His presence gives these things eternal purpose. As the eyes of our hearts begin to see God in these earthly things, they are taken down as idols and instead become the things that spur on our praise to the One from whom these things come (Colossians 1:16, 17). 

Seeing God in all things frees us from the captivity to these things. Seeing God in all things reserves the affections of our hearts for Him--the One from whom these temporary things come. 

Rather than worshipping the created, our hearts bow to the Creator. It is in this place and only this place, that we find freedom and can truly enjoy the created and bring glory to the Creator. 

<><tce

"Baby Girl..."

It has been a lovely day. a full day. a friday.

As I journey with God through life, the lessons seem unending and sometimes the weariness is more than I can want to endure. While there are lessons on patience, gentleness, graciousness and all these other noble things that I seem to be lacking, the lessons hardest to learn are about seeing the me that God Himself has created.

Comparision waits around the corner and is eager to shine the spotlight on the mom that I am not and the mom that so and so is. 

She sews with her girls. Look at those adorable costumes. handmade satchels. crocheted leg warmers. *sigh*

She takes trips with her girls. Look at all the photos and special keepsakes. So what if they'll be in the rummage sale next summer. think of the memories. 
*sigh*

She has such a great garden. such a great way of incorporating her kids into nature and literature and excercise and culture and everything handmade and homemade and...
*sigh* 

Comparision lies in wait to flaunt the homemaker that I will never be as I step through the door and am greeted by the dust of yesterday and the deadlines of tomorrow. My mind flutters back to the perfectly kept home of a friend, the finished baseboard trim of another and the matching home decor of yet another.

As I settle down inside, making a place to sit and savor the presence of God in the midst of the strewn toys, misplaced car keys and lost library books,
He speaks truth through the lies screaming for attention.
He speaks to the woman I want to be...to the woman I was...and most importantly...
to the woman I am. 

Baby Girl, 
you 
are 
mine. 

every word I will ever write. speak. think.
pray.
comes from the spring of Life.
every thing I will ever do or hope to do
comes from the Giver of all good things.
every project I finish...every project I try to finish...every project I fail to finish...
will be surrendered to Him.

Everything I am. everything I wish I was. everything I aspire to be. everything I will never be.
everything is captured eternally in those five words....

Baby Girl, 
you 
are
 mine. 

<><tce

captive

As the battle for my mind rages on,
this morning I stand before God and surrender the discouragement that threatens my peace.
I desire to take every thought captive and make it obedient to the TRUTH,
knowing it will take intentional saturation of the TRUTH...
the Word of God.

Every thought of frustration,
hopelessness,
resentment,
fear,
weariness...
will have to pass through the sieve of Philippians 4.
If it passes the test, I will entertain the thought.
If it does not,
I will disregard it as a lie and take hold of truth in its place.

'Rejoice in the Lord always;

again I will say, 

REJOICE!

Let your reasonablness be known to all.

The Lord is at hand. 

DO NOT BE ANXIOUS 

about anything,

but in everything

by prayer and supplication

with 

thanksgiving

let your requests be made known to God. 

And the PEACE of God,

which surpasses all understanding,

will guard your heart and mind

in Christ Jesus.

Finally brothers, 

whatever is TRUE,

whatever is HONORABLE,

whatever is JUST,

whatever is PURE,

whatever is LOVELY,

whatever is COMMENDABLE,

if there is any EXCELLENCE,

if there is anything WORTHY of PRAISE,

think about these things."

Philippians 4:4-8

Before I complain, I will rejoice. 

Before I fret and worry, I will pray and give thanks. 

I will take captive that which is not true or honorable.

I will be fair and choose justice.

I will choose purity of thought and purity of speech. 

I will choose that which is lovely rather than that which is cynical or unkind or foul. 

I will choose to see that which is excellent: in my husband. my children. my family. my church. my friends. 

and I will give thanks for those excellent things

all the while surrendering all the rest in prayer. 

I will choose praise before I complain. 

I will praise my husband for a job done well rather than complain about what he has not done. 

I will praise my children for the grace of God at work in them while I continue to teach and train them in patience and gentleness. 

I will praise the Lord for His favor and kindness in the midst of my unkindness and unworthiness.

and when the day is done, 

I will lay my head on my pillow and rest. 

Sweet Jesus, 

May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be a fragrant offering to you today

as your peace sets itself as a guard upon my heart and mind. 

<><tce

...and the prisoners were listening

'About midnight Paul and Silas were praying

and singing hymns to God,

and the prisoners were listening to them...'

Acts 16:25

I absolutely love this story! 

Just imagine for a moment...

you're imprisoned unfairly...

dark. cold. damp. crowded. 

I can't be completely certain as to what my response would be; I would like to think that it would be gracious and joyful and eager to honor my Lord in the midst of it all, but given the comfortable life I am used to living, I am not entriely sure. 

Here are two men, Paul and Silas, in love with Jesus. 

Their lives completely transformed by the God who lived and died to save their souls. 

Imprisoned for bringing light to the darkness...hope to the hopeless. 

So here they sit...

the dampness unable to snuff out their light...

the shackles binding their feet but not their tongues...

the coldness adding stark contrast to the life giving warmth of the presence of God in that place. 

Paul and Silas were not clammering about the unfairness of the situation. 

They were not building support for a riot. 

They were praising and praying! 

...and the prisoners were listening. 

The unfairness of life can be slippery slope and a dangerous rabbit hole. 

The bitterness it brings can swallow a person whole. 

The only guard against it: gratitude. 

For everything I complain about, whether legit or not, there is something to thank God for. 

In that moment, I have a choice to make: 

complain or give thanks. 

The choice has the power to not only change my life, but the lives of those around me. 

Whatver 'prison' you may find yourself in, whether it is a challenging marriage, a dead-end job full of corporate politics, a barren womb, grief from loss or shattered dreams, unemployment, illness, financial strain.....

my prayer is that you will embrace the God who cares in the midst of the darkness and cold and dampness of life. 

I pray that the God who promised to be an ever present help in times of trouble would be so present that your soul can't help but sing. 

I pray that gratitude would spill out of you,
cutting through the darkness like a knife and bringing hope to your weary bones. 

And don't forget all those imprisoned around you...

they will be listening. 

blessing be yours. 

tiffany 

in God alone

'Some trust in chariots and some in horses,

but we trust in the name of the 

Lord our God!'

Psalm 20:7

O sweet Jesus--keep my heart from idols!

Keep my heart from looking to things or people for protection, deliverance or fulfillment. May my heart's affection and my heart's confidence be found solely in you. Grant me grace that I may always remember that the securities of this earth are temporary and while mortal men are eternal beings because of their souls, their presence on this earth is as temporary as a blade of grass. 

Today and tomorrow and the days to come, may my heart bow to you only and find it's security and peace and fulfillment and rest in your name alone!

peace. 

tiffany 

3,650

3,650 days.
10 years.
1 decade.
2 people.
young. oblivious. hopeful. hopelessly in love.
Stood before one hundred family and friends and promised to hold onto each other.
to love each other.
to love God.

Fast forward a full decade.
The sun has risen and set more than three thousand times.
Sunsets followed joy filled days and others were embraced knowing the day was over and a new one would bring a new beginning.
There has been laughter....laughter through tears and laughter that brought tears.
There has been tears...babies and their first cries...babies that made their Mama cry.
There has been pain...bones broken, power tool accidents, scraped knees and hot words spoken in anger.
There are new smile lines and aching muscles.
There have been mistakes.
There has been forgiveness.
There has been miles driven and destinations reached. Photos taken and milestones passed.
There has been diplomas earned and dollars returned.
There has been the unexpected and the expected...the nights spent in prayer and the nights spent under the stars.
We have raced...we have won...we have surrendered...we have held on.
We have held on to the the hope that Christ is glorified not through the illusion of perfection but through two people, daily making a choice to love Him first and to love others well...starting with one another.
In an earthly sense, we were destined to fail,
but we held onto the promise that if God is for us, who can be against us?
We remember that we have been forgiven and therefore we are called to forgive.

"For where you go I will go,

and where you live I will live.

Your people will be my people, and your God my God.

Where you die I will die and there I will be buried. 

May the Lord deal with me ever so severely if anything but death separates you and me."

Ruth 1:16b-17

Thank you for being my Beloved. 
Thank you for loving me as Christ has loved the Church and gave Himself up for her. 
I love you but I love God more. It is beacuse of that love for Christ, that my love for you continues to grow. I love the man that you are and I love the man you are becomming. 
Thank you for joining me on this journey of life and love. 
I am crazy about you. 
Yours eternally. 

<><tce

the freedom

'...But when they measure themselves by one another 

and compare themselves with one another,

they are without understanding.'

2 Corinthians 10:12b

I love this. Love. love. love. this. 

Paul is addressing the issue of self righteousness and spiritual comparison.... 

Ha, and we thought the Bible was not relevant to our lives today! 

As my soul savored these precious words today, a quiet and profound sense of freedom washed over me...alongside the solid conviction of my Sweet Jesus....

Baby Girl, 

when you compare yourself-your children-your home-your body-your yard-your accomplishments-your failures-your giftings-to that of another, 

you are failing to understand the beauty that I have in store for you and the work I am doing in others. 

Your journey will never mirror that of another. 

With my strength you will begin to savor that and the pull to compare will cease. 

Walk with Me. 

A prayer of my heart is the prayer for understanding. 

I long to understand who God is and the woman He is creating me to be. 

I long to understand my husband and children so as to love them more. 

I long to understand the hurt and anguish around me so as to minister His love and healing more effectively. 

I long to understand. 

When I fall prey to the pull of comparison, I am forfeiting the divine understanding of the Creator of all I compare. 

As I digest this profound truth, 

the beautiful result is sweet, sweet freedom. 

Freedom to leave behind the scrutiny of others and even more so the scrutiny of myself. 

I lay down the weight of judgement and condemnation and trade it for the yoke that only the Creator God can offer. 

And with that comes understanding. 

Freedom and understanding. 

Yes please. 

<><tce

simple.profound.

"In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength."
 ~ Isaiah 30:15

My face hurts from the sinus pressure. 

My shoulder is sore for an unknown reason. 

My body is tired from little sleep and lots of play. 

My spirit is spilling over with joy for reasons that are hard to articulate.

God is doing a profound and simple work in my heart and mind and life. 

My soul longs for intimacy with Jesus. 
In that longing I am filled. 

I crave the covering of His presence

and the rest I find there. 

My mouth falls silent as my heart and strength are renewed

in spite of all physical circumstances. 

And sometimes, the only response I have is to savor the silence and
allow my heart to beat my gratitude.  

Sweet Jesus, thank you. 

filled.

tiffany 

faithful in this moment

I am a dreamer. I am a goal setter. I am a planner. 

When you combine these three things, it can be a recipe for a contentment disaster. 

Because I am always looking ahead and aspiring for something, my heart is easily consumed with what I don't yet have or with the goal that I have yet to achieve. 

In Jeremiah 29, we read the prophet's letter to the exiles. 

These people had been taken from their homeland (Jerusalem) and led into exile in Babylon. 

Undoubtedly, their hearts were in anguish for home as their future hung in the balance. 

God starts Jeremiah's letter like this: 

"Build houses and live in them;

plant gardens and eat their produce.

Take wives and have sons and daughters;

take wives for your sons,

and give your daughters in marriage, that they may bear sons and daughters;

multiply there, 

and do not decrease."

Jeremiah 29: 5,6

Surely and rightfully these people longed for home. 

Their dreams looked very different from the reality they were living. 

As they cried out to God, this was His puzzling and profound response. 

Make a home there. 

Work the ground and reap it's bounty. 

Grow in stature. Grow in relationships. Grow your family. 

Wait--what?!

They are in--what appears to be from the outside--an unfair and undeserved place. 

They are crying out for deliverance and this is the response?!

As I look at life and the journey that I have already  taken to arrive where I am, I see God working in much the same way in my own life. 

Although my heart has hurt and I have struggled to understand His ways and His methods in my life, He has always spoken this quiet truth to my heart: be faithful in this moment. 

Psalm 37 is a beautiful song of contentment and hope. 

'Trust in the Lord, and do good;

dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.

Delight yourself in the Lord,

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;

trust in Him, and He will act.' (vv3-5)

Dwell in the land. Befriend faithfulness. 

Delight yourself in the Lord. 

So often, our hearts quietly say: "If you give me the desires of my heart,  THEN I will delight in you" 

But God is calling us to something better. 

He says, 

"Sweet child--won't you love me for Who I am rather than for what I do? 

Won't you draw near to me in this land of exile and get to know my heart for you?"

Friend...

wherever God has you today, 

whatever land you are living in, 

I pray that you will befriend faithfulness. 

I pray that you will commit your way to the Lord, walk forward in obedience and leave the responses of others, the results and the circumstances before the King who knows all things and sees all things and holds all things. 

Don't stop dreaming...

Just remember that when we are faithful with little--in the everyday comings and goings of the life we live right now--we will be entrusted with much. Our desires will come to be because our desires will be summed up in the person of God. As we live in this exile land, we learn that the Person of God is our nearest companion. 

And that my friend, is the greatest gift of all. 

hope. 

tiffany

BEcause of Him alone

I have been invited to be the speaker for an entire of week of summer camp for glorious 7th and 8th grade kids next week. I am up to my elbows in study and preparation and I absolutely love the little nuggets of truth that rock my world and refocus my wandering heart. These little truths that I have read over a hundred times but reclaim my heart in a fresh, new way...something worth sharing. :) 

'For from Him

and through Him

and to Him

are all things. 

To Him be the glory forever. 

Amen.'

~Apostle Paul

Romans 11:36

Everything I have. Everything I am. Everything I hope to be. 

Everything is from Him. 

This simple yet profound truth frees me from the bondage of feverish toil and all the anxiety that comes with it. I am free to simply live well, love well and manage my gifts well. 

Everything I do. Everything I hope to do. 

Everything I can do and try to do I do through Christ. 

I have no strength...no will power...no desire...no breath...

apart from Him. 

This releases me from the joy-stealing weight of feeling as though everything is up to me. 

I am free to do my best, bless others and live well through the power of Christ at work within me and the resources that He has given me. Nothing more. Nothing less. 

Everything I have. Everything I am. Everything I hope to be. 

Everything I do. Everything I hope to do. 

Everything I can do and try to do...

Is all for His glory. 

Not because He is an arrogant God, but because He is good and faithful and is worthy of highest praise and adoration. 

He has given me life today. He has given me hope today. He has freed me from the bondage of sin and shame and anxious toil, and has given me in their place the freedom to live well, love well and serve well. 

My heart is bowed low before Him not because He demands it but because that is the only response to the vast love that He bestows upon this undeserving little girl of His. 

To Him be all glory and all praise and all honor and all adoration. 

Forever and ever. 

Amen. 

BEcause of Him alone. 

tiffany 

'I remember the days of old;

I meditate on all that you have done;

I ponder the work of your hands,

I stretch out my hands to you;

my soul thrists for you like a parched land.'

Psalm 143:5,6

Remember. 

Remeber who God has been to you. 

Remember the breath in your lungs...the light in your eyes...the life in your days. 

Meditate.

Slow down. Dare to approach the throne that beckons you. Find rest there. 

Allow the Truth of Who God is and Who God has been to wash over you and set you free. 

Ponder. 

Look around. Savor the song in the birds, the sway in the trees, the white in the clouds, the burning ball of gas that lingers just the right distance from the Blue Planet we call home. Any closer and we would burn. Any further and we would freeze. Perfect balance. Perfect distance. Perfect Creator. 

Thirst. 

Allow the goodness of God and break through the independant pride that deprives us of great blessing in the presence of our King. Stretch your hands before Him. Dare to reach for Him. Admit your thirst. Cry out for refreshment in the midst of the dry and parched land. Allow the River of Life to saturate your soul and change you from the inside out. 

'Bless the Lord, O my soul, all that is within me,

bless His holy name!

Bless the Lord, O my soul,

and forget not all his benefits,

who forgives all your iniquity,

who heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit,

who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy,

who satisfies you with good 

so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. '

Psalm 103:1-5

nothing but a jar

'But we have this treasure in jars of clay,

to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us.'

2 Corinthians 4:7

Outreach.

Reach out. 

It is easy to preach and even easier to justify neglecting. 

Busyness. Motherhood. Marriage. Ministry. 

I am the first to explain why I am not 'reaching out' to my neighbors--why, I am busy running a household, a school and a ministry! 

Still...the still, small voice of the Spirit beckons me. 

You see, I am not an outgoing person. 

Those of you that know me are shaking your heads now I know, but I hate awkward conversations, personal introductions and all that comes with 'branching out'. It is much easier to make a few friends and stay close. Much easier. 

Over and over again the last few months this word has kept me awake at night. 

I have challenged our youth kids to reach out. 

Sunday I spoke to our congregation and challenged them to take church beyond our walls. 

Christ says, "Go therefore into all the world, making disciples, and teaching and baptizing in My name..." (Matthew 28) 

You see, I am willing to go as long as I agree to the terms.

I had a conversation with some women of our church back in February. I was young enough to be their granddaughter and I have a tremendous amount of respect for these women. We were talking about reaching out and welcoming others into the community and into our church when I mentioned baking pies and greeting newcomers. 

One woman responded, "I am willing to bake the pie, but I make my husband bring it over." 

"Why?" I asked in surprise. 

"Because it is awkward meeting someone and he is better at it than me." 

The conversation continued and it was decided that it was a 'cultural' thing--staunch, self-contained Norwegians and all. Best kept to themselves. 

Yeah, it's cultural not to reach out. 

But is it Biblical? 

Last night, while walking with my family a single mom passed by with her youngest daughter trailing close behind on a bike. There was no wave, no smile, no gesture of greeting exchanged. I have seen her dozens of times before and we know of each other from another social circle from years ago. I have never seen her smile. Never. 

Then it hit me--I need to reach out to her. 

I looked up at my husband and said it out loud, "DUH! There is my ministry!" 

As I walked with God this morning, the thought of this woman weighed heavy on my heart. She does not strike me as friendly or easy to approach. What in the world would I say? Just as I have judged her, I am sure she has pegged me as this stay-at-home-wife with a perfect life and a husband who has a good job.... Why in the world would she want to associate with me? How do I approach her? She has been losing weight and really working hard at it, so bringing her cookies doesn't seem to work. Do I just knock on her door and invite her to go for a walk? Now if that isn't awkward.....

Then my mind trailed to the other single woman living in a trailer house just two doors down and across from the first woman. I had just as many questions for God about where to begin with her as well. I mean, do you just knock on the door and invite them to church? Perhaps dinner at our house? Something in me says that would be a touch odd. 

Needless to say, I came up with no 'good ideas' and instead ended my prayer with, 

"OK God. I am willing to be obedient. That's all I've got. If you want this to happen, you have to do the rest." 

Tonight (twelve hours later) as I was walking my dog and taking the kids to the park, we passed by their houses and they were both sitting together in one front yard. I waved and shouted, "Hello neighbors!" and was thankful to hear a happy reply. I kept on my way. 

On my way home, they were still there, this time with no children. I thought about walking over and introducing myself, but thought that may seem a little intrusive (there are those excuses again...) so instead I just waved another hello. 

Much to my surprise they started chatting with me from across the yard and eventually invited me over. After nearly twenty minutes of pleasant conversation the non-smiling one smiled huge and said, "thanks so much for stopping by. It has been really great talking with you." The other happily agreed. 

To which I replied, "Me too. Oh and hey, I love to walk and run and it is so much better when you're not alone. Perhaps we could go for a walk together some time." 

"I would love that. Let's do that," she replied. Again, the other happily agreed. 

I walked away astounded by my doubtfulness and God's greatness. 

"Baby girl...all I ask is obedience and willingness. I will do the rest. 

I will create opportunities and give you the eyes to see them and the heart to seize them. You, my dear child, just need to obey and enjoy the blessing of obedience. It is I that opens doors. It is I that authors divine appointments. It is I at work in you and in those around you. Just be obedient."

I am nothing but a jar of clay. 

But because the Spirit lives within me, His all surpassing power dwells within me as well. 

What a treasure!

willing. 

tiffany