a man and his biographer: a note to wives

I have seen too many marriages crumble around me to stay quiet on the matter.
Another high profile marriage bites the dust--this time it is the husband with blood on his hands and shame on his face.

You can hardly flip on the news without hearing about ex-CIA Director David Petraeus cheating on his wife of more than two decades with a young aspiring PhD student so interested in his life she wrote a book about it. Is it a wonder that a man became dangerously attracted to a woman so interested in him and his endeavors that the pinnacle of her career was documenting his life and achievements?

While I admit to know little to nothing about the situation and while I hold Mr. Petraeus accountable for his poor choices, I must write a note to my fellow wives. I write this in love and I write this as a woman often oblivious to the kind of wife I ought to be at times. As I wrote in an earlier post, I am slowly learning to understand this complex and mind blowing thing we call marriage. 

As I stated in a girl and her bodyguard: a letter to husbands, a woman needs to know she will be protected. A woman needs to know that her husband is jealous for the affections of her heart and longs to protect them as his own. A woman needs to know that he will fight for her and stand in the gap for her and their marriage. Protection is vital.

For a man however, I have learned that my admiration and public support and approval of him speaks to his heart and soul in a big way. He needs me to support him vocally, affirm him in front of his peers and respect him both publically and privately. He needs me to be interested in his endeavors, supportive in his work and encouraging in his ministry. He needs me to ask him about his day and listen with eager ears without snotty comments or snide remarks. He needs me to walk shoulder to shoulder with him as he provides, strives and learns. It is to my great blessing when I do this and it only hurts me in the long run to deprive him of this. 

For my husband to know that I admire him is huge. He needs to know that I am thankful for his hard work and contribution to our family whatever it may look like. Expressing my gratitude is worth more than I can wrap my mind around sometimes. My husband needs to know that I will stand by him as he tries, support him if he fails and cheer him on through it all.  

It is important for my husband to know I am attracted to him and to pursue him. It is my job and mine alone to be the woman who fills his head with images and memories that he can savor in the moments of physical separation or temptation. It is my job as a wife to meet his needs sexually and to enjoy those times of intamacy. If I don't, you can bet your bottom dollar that another woman will be willing to do so. Nearly six years ago, we endured nearly six months of abstinence due to a medical condition. Those were trying months for both of us, so I understand the desire paired with inability. It was during this time that we spent a lot of time in prayer together regarding this part of our relationship and sought other ways to meet that need so as not to make us vulnerable to temptation. 
(Sorry Dad, this was probably way too much information for you! ;) 

I understand how challenging it is to be the woman that I just wrote about. 

As my husband always tells me--it's not about being perfect, it's about being willing.
It is about being willing to at least ride along in the golf cart occasionally or chat as he changes the oil in the car. In the midst of careers, babies and the dailyness of life I understand how easily marriages can drift apart. As a wife committed to my marriage I will commit to a spirit of willingness. I will commit to be a woman that is interested; a woman that respects my husband both publically and privately. I will be his greatest cheerleader and his biggest support. I will forsake all others and will cling only to him while honoring God as the creator of marriage and all that it is intended to be. 

And at the end of the day, when I pass or when I fail, 

I will snuggle in close and say with all I have within me, 

"I love you and my heart is yours."