slump

It is strange I know... the idea of Tiffany with little or nothing to say. In many ways, it is a good thing, even an answer to prayer (my own, not my husband's...although he is definitely benefitting from the new and improved Quieter Tiffany) .

I log in and read with great interest what others feel the inspiration to share.
I glance at my own, neglected space on the world wide web and a strange sense of apathy washes over me.
I want to write, but have nothing to share.
I want to inspire, but I am lacking inspiration myself.
I want to connect others to the life changing Word of God and yet, I feel this heavy distance...lack of ... I am not quite sure.

Something is stirring inside of me, in the deepest part of my soul. His still small voice is speaking truth there, but ... I am not sure what.
God is so near and yet so strangely distant.
Friends are such a blessing and yet I find myself longing for isolation.
People are eager to greet me, chat with me, encourage me, ask me... and I just want to turn on my heels and head for the door.
I have words to share and nothing to share. all at the same time.

I miss my fire and yet I am enjoying the dim coolness.
I miss the inspiration and yet the apathy is somewhat satisfying.
There is a heavy weight that my make-up tries to cover and my isolation tries to conceal and I pray my eyes don't betray.
The outward confidence is a carefully constructed costume designed to mask the fear that can torment me if not kept carefully in check.
The desire to appear a certain way so as not to raise any eyebrows, call my character or sanity into question, is so persuasive that I give into it nearly 100% of the time.
But something inside is changing. Something that doesn't care about politics and quotes Romans 13:1 instead. Something that is bitter over words spoken to me that were never mine to hear. Someone that wishes for a moment back in time, to defend and to take captive and to cherish and to enjoy.

But,
at the end of the day, when the sweet sounds of sweet children are replaced with the ticking of the clock and the pecking of the keys, I find the sweet song of David still hums in my soul...

Oh Lord, 

you have searched me and you know me. 

You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar. 

You discern my going out and my lying down; 

you are familiar with all my ways. 

Before a word is on my tongue

you know it completely, O Lord.

You hem me in behind and before

you have laid your hand upon me; 

such knowledge is too wonderful for me, 

too lofty for me to attain. 

Where can I go from your Spirit? 

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens you are there, 

if I make my bed in the depths you are there. 

If I rise on the wings of the dawn and settle on the far side of the sea, 

even there your hand will guide me and your right hand will hold me fast. 

If I say, 

"Surely this darkness will hide me and the light become night around me" 

even the darkness is not dark to you, 

for the night will shine like the day, 

for darkness is as light to you. 

Psalm 139:1-12

Darkness. 

Weight. 

Fear. 

Bitterness. 

Apathy. 

Uncertainty. 

God speaks through them. and my heart is listening. 

Sweet Jesus, 

may your goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to you. 

<><tce