disappointed? a little....

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, 

because we know that suffering produces perseverance;

perseverance, character;

and character, hope.

And hope does not disappoint us because God has poured out His love in our hearts

by the Holy Spirit whom He has given us." 

Romans 5:3-5

As the miles rolled by and the distance between me and home grew shorter and shorter, I felt my prayers becoming more desperate, more weighted by the battle between good and evil, peace and dissension, joy and self pity. 

I found myself wishing that things were different, and initially, I found myself praying for the outcome that I wanted and the one I desperately hoped for. As I prayed however, I felt myself falling prey to cynicism and thinking, "Stop praying like this, you're only setting yourself up for disappointment." 

As I thought through this, with my husband's book on tape steadily filling our car with the even hum of the story teller's voice, I thought about what prayer is: prayer is the essence of hope. As I pray, I am surrendering before God in full hope that He hears and He will respond. I come away from prayer hopeful and yet, when He doesn't respond, the disappointment that follows can be a heavy weight to carry. Because I dread this heavy weight, my self preservation mode kicks in and tells me to just accept that things will always be this way and to stop praying for anything different. 

As much as that sounds fine to my cynical ears, the Spirit quietly calls my heart back to obedient prayer. 

Herein lies my struggle. 

I want to pray by faith, and I want to believe that God hears and answers and yet my prayers continue to return void and I am continually found reeling from disappointment angry with myself for even thinking to hope for something other than what has always been. 

For those of you still following this jumbled rambling session, 

I will first say thank you for listening. I appreciate your kindness. 

I will secondly tell you that my marriage and my children are greatly blessed and this post is in no way insinuating anything different. 

As I withdraw to my quiet closet of prayer, where my faithful God is gracious to meet me in spite of the baggage I drag in with me, 

He is just that, faithful. 

Paul writes in Romans that hope does not disappoint and at a cynical first glance, I would politely beg to differ. If only Paul knew how many times in my life, the well spring of hope and hopeful expectation has left me hurt and disappointed.... 

But, I believe God's Word is without error and so, I go back to the black words on my white, worn page and ask my faithful and gracious Lord to speak in a way that my disappointed heart will understand. 

I see my answer there, but it doesn't come until I have surrendered my own agenda of hearing from God what I want to hear and rather with a willing spirit, ask to hear what I need to hear. 

Where does my hope come from? 

As my eyes scroll over the words in verse four, I see that my hope does not come from prayers answered favorably. No, no...something much better, something not of this earth. My hope comes from character--HIS character--being developed within me. Here comes the part that I love and hate all at the same time--His character does not come through a peaceful walk in the park as I stroll through life savoring answered prayers according to my expectations. No, that would develop a self centeredness that would only lead to arrogance and He has something much better for me. My hope comes from the character that He develops within me as I walk with Him through the fire of suffering and disappointment. 

It is in knowing that although my sin nature dies hard, God is still at work and He loves me enough to say no to me. He loves me enough to walk me through the fire so that the very thing I am praying for--hope--will become my companion as I see evidence of His character growing within me. 

So...with my disappointed and yet hopeful heart, my prayer turns from

"please Lord....change this...." 

to

"thank you for the cross I carry. Grant me strength of character that I may carry it well and leave the fragrance of my Risen Lord in my wake. 

Amen" 

hopeful.

tiffany