slump

It is strange I know... the idea of Tiffany with little or nothing to say. In many ways, it is a good thing, even an answer to prayer (my own, not my husband's...although he is definitely benefitting from the new and improved Quieter Tiffany) .

I log in and read with great interest what others feel the inspiration to share.
I glance at my own, neglected space on the world wide web and a strange sense of apathy washes over me.
I want to write, but have nothing to share.
I want to inspire, but I am lacking inspiration myself.
I want to connect others to the life changing Word of God and yet, I feel this heavy distance...lack of ... I am not quite sure.

Something is stirring inside of me, in the deepest part of my soul. His still small voice is speaking truth there, but ... I am not sure what.
God is so near and yet so strangely distant.
Friends are such a blessing and yet I find myself longing for isolation.
People are eager to greet me, chat with me, encourage me, ask me... and I just want to turn on my heels and head for the door.
I have words to share and nothing to share. all at the same time.

I miss my fire and yet I am enjoying the dim coolness.
I miss the inspiration and yet the apathy is somewhat satisfying.
There is a heavy weight that my make-up tries to cover and my isolation tries to conceal and I pray my eyes don't betray.
The outward confidence is a carefully constructed costume designed to mask the fear that can torment me if not kept carefully in check.
The desire to appear a certain way so as not to raise any eyebrows, call my character or sanity into question, is so persuasive that I give into it nearly 100% of the time.
But something inside is changing. Something that doesn't care about politics and quotes Romans 13:1 instead. Something that is bitter over words spoken to me that were never mine to hear. Someone that wishes for a moment back in time, to defend and to take captive and to cherish and to enjoy.

But,
at the end of the day, when the sweet sounds of sweet children are replaced with the ticking of the clock and the pecking of the keys, I find the sweet song of David still hums in my soul...

Oh Lord, 

you have searched me and you know me. 

You know when I sit and when I rise;

you perceive my thoughts from afar. 

You discern my going out and my lying down; 

you are familiar with all my ways. 

Before a word is on my tongue

you know it completely, O Lord.

You hem me in behind and before

you have laid your hand upon me; 

such knowledge is too wonderful for me, 

too lofty for me to attain. 

Where can I go from your Spirit? 

Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens you are there, 

if I make my bed in the depths you are there. 

If I rise on the wings of the dawn and settle on the far side of the sea, 

even there your hand will guide me and your right hand will hold me fast. 

If I say, 

"Surely this darkness will hide me and the light become night around me" 

even the darkness is not dark to you, 

for the night will shine like the day, 

for darkness is as light to you. 

Psalm 139:1-12

Darkness. 

Weight. 

Fear. 

Bitterness. 

Apathy. 

Uncertainty. 

God speaks through them. and my heart is listening. 

Sweet Jesus, 

may your goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to you. 

<><tce 

seeing God

“I will give thanks with my whole heart...”

Psalm 9:1a

In the quiet place, perched on a mountain top, it is easy to see God and experience God and embrace all that God is. It is when I pack up my things and head back into the valley called daily life that things can get muddled and my heart can grow weary. I long to see Him in the dailyness of life, hence the sole purpose of this blog--seeing and embracing and glorifying God in all things and at all times recognizing that He is present in all things at all times. 

Knowing this is not enough. I must recognize this and cherish this. When I do, and only when I do, will God be truly glorified through my life. Only when God is glorified through me will life have purpose and lasting meaning. 

It is easy to divide life into two categories: sacred and secular. 

We have holy days by which we dress in our best and go to a place of worship. 

We have holy acts and by doing them, we walk away with some pious feeling of achievement, feeling as though we can ‘cross it off of our list of things to do today’. 

We pray. 

We attend. 

We read. 

And then, after we do those things, we go on living our daily lives. 

Does this glorify God? 

Is God satisfied being merely a small part of the big picture we call life? 

I think not...absolutely not. 

I firmly believe, as is true in my own life, that God will continue to allow the earthly dailyness of life to wear us down, rob us of fulfillment and joy, until we come to Him, possessing nothing but weariness and anxiety. 

It is not until that place, the place of complete surrender that we will begin to see that within Him, everything has meaning. The disease. The unfair boss. Money. Hunger. Success. Failure. 

The question is not whether or not God is present but whether or not we see Him there. 

David writes that he will give thanks with his whole heart--everything he is, everything he does, will be a cry of gratitude to the Creator that sustains him, empowers him...lives in Him. 

Taking hold of this truth, the nose-wiping, Sesame St. watching mother, can take joy in her work, knowing that God is manifest there and is glorified in her as she loves her children and cleans the bottoms and feeds their bellies. 

Taking hold of this truth, the nine-to-five, blue collared man working for an unfair boss in a world of corruption and politics, can take great joy in knowing that God is honored through his hard work and integrity in the dailyness of life. This empowers him to do his job well, knowing that is not men he is serving, but rather God (Colossians 3:23). For through doing his job well, he unknowingly points others toward God as the evidences of grace shine in bright contrast to the joy-stealing spirit of darkness that permeates corporate America. 

This is a great ideal, but impossible on our own. Christ is very clear in John 15, that unless we walk in close relationship with Him and His Word is always churning away within our souls, we can do nothing...nothing of lasting value anyway. We will continue to be slaves to what is yet to come and miss completely the blessing of what is. 

Apart from the fellowship of Christ, the dailyness of life is nothing more than just that: dailyness. 

But

when I take Christ as His Word, and begin to walk with Him (John 15), my eyes will be opened to see how He is indeed present in every act of life: sex and relationships, work and play, finances and possessions. These will no longer be a burden or a shame or vain self-serving elements, but rather a joy as His presence gives these things eternal purpose. As the eyes of our hearts begin to see God in these earthly things, they are taken down as idols and instead become the things that spur on our praise to the One from whom these things come (Colossians 1:16, 17). 

Seeing God in all things frees us from the captivity to these things. Seeing God in all things reserves the affections of our hearts for Him--the One from whom these temporary things come. 

Rather than worshipping the created, our hearts bow to the Creator. It is in this place and only this place, that we find freedom and can truly enjoy the created and bring glory to the Creator. 

<><tce

"Baby Girl..."

It has been a lovely day. a full day. a friday.

As I journey with God through life, the lessons seem unending and sometimes the weariness is more than I can want to endure. While there are lessons on patience, gentleness, graciousness and all these other noble things that I seem to be lacking, the lessons hardest to learn are about seeing the me that God Himself has created.

Comparision waits around the corner and is eager to shine the spotlight on the mom that I am not and the mom that so and so is. 

She sews with her girls. Look at those adorable costumes. handmade satchels. crocheted leg warmers. *sigh*

She takes trips with her girls. Look at all the photos and special keepsakes. So what if they'll be in the rummage sale next summer. think of the memories. 
*sigh*

She has such a great garden. such a great way of incorporating her kids into nature and literature and excercise and culture and everything handmade and homemade and...
*sigh* 

Comparision lies in wait to flaunt the homemaker that I will never be as I step through the door and am greeted by the dust of yesterday and the deadlines of tomorrow. My mind flutters back to the perfectly kept home of a friend, the finished baseboard trim of another and the matching home decor of yet another.

As I settle down inside, making a place to sit and savor the presence of God in the midst of the strewn toys, misplaced car keys and lost library books,
He speaks truth through the lies screaming for attention.
He speaks to the woman I want to be...to the woman I was...and most importantly...
to the woman I am. 

Baby Girl, 
you 
are 
mine. 

every word I will ever write. speak. think.
pray.
comes from the spring of Life.
every thing I will ever do or hope to do
comes from the Giver of all good things.
every project I finish...every project I try to finish...every project I fail to finish...
will be surrendered to Him.

Everything I am. everything I wish I was. everything I aspire to be. everything I will never be.
everything is captured eternally in those five words....

Baby Girl, 
you 
are
 mine. 

<><tce

captive

As the battle for my mind rages on,
this morning I stand before God and surrender the discouragement that threatens my peace.
I desire to take every thought captive and make it obedient to the TRUTH,
knowing it will take intentional saturation of the TRUTH...
the Word of God.

Every thought of frustration,
hopelessness,
resentment,
fear,
weariness...
will have to pass through the sieve of Philippians 4.
If it passes the test, I will entertain the thought.
If it does not,
I will disregard it as a lie and take hold of truth in its place.

'Rejoice in the Lord always;

again I will say, 

REJOICE!

Let your reasonablness be known to all.

The Lord is at hand. 

DO NOT BE ANXIOUS 

about anything,

but in everything

by prayer and supplication

with 

thanksgiving

let your requests be made known to God. 

And the PEACE of God,

which surpasses all understanding,

will guard your heart and mind

in Christ Jesus.

Finally brothers, 

whatever is TRUE,

whatever is HONORABLE,

whatever is JUST,

whatever is PURE,

whatever is LOVELY,

whatever is COMMENDABLE,

if there is any EXCELLENCE,

if there is anything WORTHY of PRAISE,

think about these things."

Philippians 4:4-8

Before I complain, I will rejoice. 

Before I fret and worry, I will pray and give thanks. 

I will take captive that which is not true or honorable.

I will be fair and choose justice.

I will choose purity of thought and purity of speech. 

I will choose that which is lovely rather than that which is cynical or unkind or foul. 

I will choose to see that which is excellent: in my husband. my children. my family. my church. my friends. 

and I will give thanks for those excellent things

all the while surrendering all the rest in prayer. 

I will choose praise before I complain. 

I will praise my husband for a job done well rather than complain about what he has not done. 

I will praise my children for the grace of God at work in them while I continue to teach and train them in patience and gentleness. 

I will praise the Lord for His favor and kindness in the midst of my unkindness and unworthiness.

and when the day is done, 

I will lay my head on my pillow and rest. 

Sweet Jesus, 

May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be a fragrant offering to you today

as your peace sets itself as a guard upon my heart and mind. 

<><tce

...and the prisoners were listening

'About midnight Paul and Silas were praying

and singing hymns to God,

and the prisoners were listening to them...'

Acts 16:25

I absolutely love this story! 

Just imagine for a moment...

you're imprisoned unfairly...

dark. cold. damp. crowded. 

I can't be completely certain as to what my response would be; I would like to think that it would be gracious and joyful and eager to honor my Lord in the midst of it all, but given the comfortable life I am used to living, I am not entriely sure. 

Here are two men, Paul and Silas, in love with Jesus. 

Their lives completely transformed by the God who lived and died to save their souls. 

Imprisoned for bringing light to the darkness...hope to the hopeless. 

So here they sit...

the dampness unable to snuff out their light...

the shackles binding their feet but not their tongues...

the coldness adding stark contrast to the life giving warmth of the presence of God in that place. 

Paul and Silas were not clammering about the unfairness of the situation. 

They were not building support for a riot. 

They were praising and praying! 

...and the prisoners were listening. 

The unfairness of life can be slippery slope and a dangerous rabbit hole. 

The bitterness it brings can swallow a person whole. 

The only guard against it: gratitude. 

For everything I complain about, whether legit or not, there is something to thank God for. 

In that moment, I have a choice to make: 

complain or give thanks. 

The choice has the power to not only change my life, but the lives of those around me. 

Whatver 'prison' you may find yourself in, whether it is a challenging marriage, a dead-end job full of corporate politics, a barren womb, grief from loss or shattered dreams, unemployment, illness, financial strain.....

my prayer is that you will embrace the God who cares in the midst of the darkness and cold and dampness of life. 

I pray that the God who promised to be an ever present help in times of trouble would be so present that your soul can't help but sing. 

I pray that gratitude would spill out of you,
cutting through the darkness like a knife and bringing hope to your weary bones. 

And don't forget all those imprisoned around you...

they will be listening. 

blessing be yours. 

tiffany 

in God alone

'Some trust in chariots and some in horses,

but we trust in the name of the 

Lord our God!'

Psalm 20:7

O sweet Jesus--keep my heart from idols!

Keep my heart from looking to things or people for protection, deliverance or fulfillment. May my heart's affection and my heart's confidence be found solely in you. Grant me grace that I may always remember that the securities of this earth are temporary and while mortal men are eternal beings because of their souls, their presence on this earth is as temporary as a blade of grass. 

Today and tomorrow and the days to come, may my heart bow to you only and find it's security and peace and fulfillment and rest in your name alone!

peace. 

tiffany 

3,650

3,650 days.
10 years.
1 decade.
2 people.
young. oblivious. hopeful. hopelessly in love.
Stood before one hundred family and friends and promised to hold onto each other.
to love each other.
to love God.

Fast forward a full decade.
The sun has risen and set more than three thousand times.
Sunsets followed joy filled days and others were embraced knowing the day was over and a new one would bring a new beginning.
There has been laughter....laughter through tears and laughter that brought tears.
There has been tears...babies and their first cries...babies that made their Mama cry.
There has been pain...bones broken, power tool accidents, scraped knees and hot words spoken in anger.
There are new smile lines and aching muscles.
There have been mistakes.
There has been forgiveness.
There has been miles driven and destinations reached. Photos taken and milestones passed.
There has been diplomas earned and dollars returned.
There has been the unexpected and the expected...the nights spent in prayer and the nights spent under the stars.
We have raced...we have won...we have surrendered...we have held on.
We have held on to the the hope that Christ is glorified not through the illusion of perfection but through two people, daily making a choice to love Him first and to love others well...starting with one another.
In an earthly sense, we were destined to fail,
but we held onto the promise that if God is for us, who can be against us?
We remember that we have been forgiven and therefore we are called to forgive.

"For where you go I will go,

and where you live I will live.

Your people will be my people, and your God my God.

Where you die I will die and there I will be buried. 

May the Lord deal with me ever so severely if anything but death separates you and me."

Ruth 1:16b-17

Thank you for being my Beloved. 
Thank you for loving me as Christ has loved the Church and gave Himself up for her. 
I love you but I love God more. It is beacuse of that love for Christ, that my love for you continues to grow. I love the man that you are and I love the man you are becomming. 
Thank you for joining me on this journey of life and love. 
I am crazy about you. 
Yours eternally. 

<><tce