The moment is still as clear in my memory as though it had occurred last week. I was in 8th grade. It was 4th hour. Bible class with Pastor Randy, quite possibly the coolest youth pastor and teacher ever. Ever.
Growing up I had no solid marital example to follow. I had an idea of what a good marriage was or should look like, but it was nothing more than that, an idea. There were two couples that I remember being in awe of at a very early age and my youth pastor and his wife were (and still are) one of those couples.
Back to 4th hour. The moment that changed everything. Pastor Randy stood at the front of the class teaching as he always did and we were talking God's guidelines for choosing a spouse. And then he said it. A comment that took me aback and actually made me angry enough to talk to him about it after class. He said, "You all know I love my wife. We have a love and a marriage that is hard for me to imagine living a day without. I must say though, that the love we share could have been just as strong had I chosen another assuming it was within the guidelines that God had set out for me to follow." I was shocked. I had never heard anything so awful in my life.
After class, I approached him and I am sure that in my own snotty, know-it-all 8th grade tone, I asked him how he could say something like that. He smiled and sat down and motioned for me to do the same. "Tiffany, Sherry and I are very much enamored with one another even after all these years. My comment did not mean that I want someone else or I am in any way dissatisfied with the bride that God has blessed me with. Just the opposite actually. Every day we make the conscious choice to love one another in spite of our sinful natures and God has used that to knit our souls together. But love is just that, a choice. It is not mere chance or fate as society would have you believe. God has set forth boundaries in Scripture in regards to what God requires of us as far as integrity, stewardship, purity and so forth. As we live by those guidelines and surround ourselves with others that are doing the same, God will undoubtedly put godly men and women in our paths from whom we can choose to spend our lives with."
I left that class room that afternoon scratching my head. In one swift move, a man I emulated totally challenged everything that society automatically conditioned me to believe. I always had the idea that floating around somewhere out there was The One for me. As long as I wasn't ten minutes late or didn't withdrawal from that class or decide not to attend that university, I would find him. I had never thought of my spouse as a choice. The idea intrigued me. The idea gave me a lot of peace.
I grew up thinking that every marriage was destined to fail at some point or another. I just figured that eventually you fell out of love and moved on. For some it happened quickly and for others it took twenty years. This process would continue until you finally that One, that Soul Mate. Yeah, I figured there were a select few that just hung in there 'til death bid them part, but I would have never guessed they were actually happy about it. This whole idea of making a choice to love and God blessing that love through His presence in their marriage was a foreign idea, but a glorious one.
Our culture has embraced the idea that love is about us. We must find the right person for
us and often that involves a lot (more for some than others) of trial and error. We date, we co-habitate, we procreate, we marry only to realize that the woman across the aisle at work or the man across the road has a lot more in common with us than our spouse. And then it begins. We begin to wonder if we married the wrong One and really, our soul mate is someone else. Actually, it is because of this exact fear that fewer and fewer are getting married and are choosing rather to co-habitate. The sad part of this is that our children are growing up lacking a solid sense of what commitment and self sacrifice really is.
God's Word has a lot to say about love, but I think the chief example in all of Scripture is the love of Jesus Christ. Let's not forget that Jesus Christ was wholly God taking on human flesh to come, live a sinless life and die the death that we deserved (Romans 5:8). Let's not forget that He gave up the perfect fellowship of saints and angels in exchange for the wishy washy fellowship of backstabbing humans. He became obedient even to the point of death on a cross (Phil 2:7). He chose to love a sinful Creation knowing that the love returned would be flawed at best.
The day of my wedding I stood before my dearest friends and family and made an impossible promise to a sinful man. I promised to love him unconditionally, wholly and above any other. I promised to submit, honor and cherish him in every situation until death separated us. Have I failed? Miserably. Has he failed? On occasion. Have I ever regretted saying those two fateful words, "I Do"? No, but I have not always felt that intoxicating love I did the day I said them. Does that mean that I have 'fallen out of love' and should choose another? No. Satan wants nothing more than to destroy us eternally and he does that by creating this mentality that our happiness ought to be our first priority. If our hearts are not fluttering and being fulfilled, that must mean something is wrong and we should wake up and move on. There is no end to this charade. Ask anyone in Hollywood.
The world holds to this idea that love is something that just happens and when it does, you abandon all else and follow your heart. Ouch. This is a scary thought and there has been much destruction left in the wake of that romanticized idea of love and passion. When we base our love and life on feelings and the emotional state of our hearts, we will be let down every time and hurt others in the process. But when we make the choice to love a person and protect our affections in reservation for them and them only, God will knit our souls together until we are truly soul mates in a way the world could never create on it's own. Will it be difficult? Definitely. There will never be a more challenging relationship on earth simply because you will be vulnerable to another sinful person and often marriage reveals our own greatest flaws. But, it is in that vulnerability and the choice to love in spite of the flawed love offered in return, that our hearts will be the most fulfilled and God will be the most glorified.
In 2 Corinthians 6:14, Paul reminds us how important it is to be united only with those that share the same beliefs we do. God has a standard for Christians and when we step outside of that and marry one that does not share that same affection for Christ, our marriage will be difficult at best. Again, as we seek to pattern our lives after Christ, we will see that love is sacrificial, unwavering, submissive, hopeful and a host of other attributes (1Corinthians 13). When we desire to become like Christ, we will begin to understand what love ought to look like. Love is a choice. Sometimes it is a painful choice. No one knows that better than Christ Himself. But, if He hadn't made that choice, our souls would be destined for hell. As we choose to remain faithful to God and seek Him first, He will be faithful to provide a spouse with whom we can become soul mates. This will not come without cost for it will require great love and sacrifice as we continue to make that choice to remain faithful to the covenant we made before God and men. But, you know what they say, anything worth having doesn't come without price.
<><tce
**I must say, in addition to all of this, that if there is abuse or a lack of safety, that is not what God has set forth as His example of love and marriage. I would encourage those in that situation to seek protection for themselves and their children and to pray fervently for their wayward and hurting spouse.
